I Can’t Lie
October 21, 2010 12 Comments
Yesterday was a crappy day. I know there will be ups and downs, but really wishing some of the downs weren't quite so low. In fact, it was so awful that I wrote a horribly raw and pain-filled blog post and nearly subjected you all to it. However, the little Jiminy Cricket on my shoulder thought better of it and removed my quivering finger from the mouse before I could click publish.
Now that I have had a night's sleep, I realize that there are going to be many days from here on out where I just really have to dig deep to find anything positive about my life right now. Yes, I know there are many obvious things out there (to others), but sometimes the negatives just really cloud them out. You know, the whole forest for the trees bit?
I have been officially forbidden to use the computer today for anything other than blogging, Facebook, bill paying (woot!) and email…or reading other blogs. So, I started perusing a few and realized that my positives were staring at me in the face, or practically glaring (in a very happy way). One will please the pants off Kelsey (how much is that horse in the window?) and others remind me that while this may seem to be a long, empty road at times, I am anything but alone. There is one friend who is just satisfying a basic need for warm tootsies, but manages to do so in a way that is uplifting to me. I know there may be more that I haven't yet seen and for that reason, can't wait to meander through tomorrow's Round-Up.
To those of you who have sent comments, emails or messages in the past day or so….I will get back to you, I'm just still trying to digest yesterday's news. Thus far, this journey has been far more ardous than I anticipated. One day is an uber-high, the next day is a real kick in the pants. Thank you to everyone who is following along, supporting, listening to my ranty phone calls and texts and not judging me during what has turned out to be a hugely confusing and stressful time.
It's not just what the diagnosis means for me, it's how it is redefining our entire year. How I feel completely and utterly to blame. How we had so many goals that are now, in all likelihood, will never be reached. I can't come to terms with every single thing I am being hit with overnight. What is it one very wise person wrote to me, "one minute at a time"?
Nothing for you but love … and a reminder that I’m here for you. Anytime. I may not be close to you in proximity, but I’m only a phone call or a text or an email away.
There is nothing much I can do for you except listen. I think ranting, raving, crying is perfectly normal. Don’t keep it inside. If you let it out the dark then the light can come in.
Big hugs.
I think you are entirely within your rights to rant and rave. I am glad you are brave enough to share it with all of us. Too many people retreat into their pain and don’t share which hurts them but also leaves others going through such a tough time feeling like they are the only ones to have ever gone through it.
I wish there was more I could do than turn cyberbones pink but I hope it did bring a smile to your face, hang in there and I hope you have more good days than bad.
You definitely don’t need to reply to my comments–you have more than enough on your plate. Just want to lend support.
Also, my 2 cents is there’s nothing wrong with writing (and publishing) raw, pain-filled posts. Sometimes it really helps just to get it out there.
Hope the bad days are very few and far between.
OK, the balme has to go. Your family plans, your body had plans of its own, not something you did on purpose. I bet your husband hasn’t once said “gee honey, why did you go and do this?”
hug
Yes, one minute at a time.
That, and each day, you just put one foot in front of the other.
But my favorite, favorite quote about coping, and I’ve used this one myself is:
“You do what comes next.”
You don’t have to do absolutely everything facing you all at once. No. Each day, you only have to do what comes next.
This was stolen from a poem written long ago (and modernized):
From an old English parsonage, down by the sea
There came in the twilight a message to me;
Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven,
Hath, as it seems to me, teaching from Heaven.
And on through the hours the quiet words ring
Like a low inspiration–“DO THE NEXT THING.”
Many a question, many of fear,
Many a doubt, hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment, let down from Heaven,
Time, opportunity, guidance, are given.
Fear not tomorrows, Child of the King,
Trust ye the Lord, and, “DO THE NEXT THING.”
Do it immediately; do it with prayer;
Do it reliantly, casting all care;
Do it with reverence, tracing His Hand
Who placed it before thee with earnest command.
Stayed on Omnipotence, safe ‘neath His wing,
Leave all resultings, “DO THE NEXT THING.”
Look ye to God, ever serener,
(Working or suffering) be thy demeanor,
In His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
The light of His countenance be thy psalm,
Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing,
Then, as He beckons thee, “DO THE NEXT THING.”
Blogging can be very cathartic, especially when you feel that you can be completely honest about what’s happening in your life. I think you’ll find you’re not alone, and the community will rally to your side.
That’s right, just one thing at a time.
I think limiting google/discussion forum access is a great idea. I reached a point where I said, “Okay, I know everything I want to know about my disease now, and we’ve decided on a course of treatment, so I’m only going to research being well.” You can make yourself miserable on those discussion boards.
I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I am hoping you’ll have a more up day tomorrow.
Ah yes, life before breast cancer (B.B.C.) and life after breast cancer (A.B.C.). Before 2007 B.B.C. our plan was for my hubby to go to medical school and get out of the military. I think I would’ve enjoyed that life but alas it wasn’t meant to be (but think of the student loans we avoided!). Instead my hubby stayed in, deployed a few times, and moved us to Texas where he decided he’d like to go the FSO route (but not until after he finishes yet another deployment). It’s hard not to feel guilty. We wanted to go overseas (he really wanted a certain job) but I couldn’t be medically cleared. I know it’s not my fault, he knows it’s not my fault but you feel bad all the same. I could probably quote your deleted post! All that being said, I’m really happy with my life in the A.B.C. era. As dramatic as it sounds, at one time I did not think that could ever be true.
I’m so glad you’re getting it out though whether you post it or not! Nap when you need to, put on your game face when you have to and cry when you want to. Big (((HUGS))) ~Laura
Jen, Rant and rave but don’t blame yourself, you know none of your nearest and dearest do. Keep strong and USE your friends in his time of need.
I imagine it must be overwhelming. Rant and rave, sure, but also: Be kind to yourself. Really. Give yourself the time and space to rant, but then go out and get a cup of tea and read a trashy magazine or something else mindless and easy. Thinking of you.
hugs