Why?

I know you must be wondering (if not, just nod and smile, that's fine), after reading Cait's announcement, why on earth we are trying the unaccompanied gig when it didn't really work the first time.  There are so many reasons that it's hard to pick the main one, however, if pressed, I'd have to say that perhaps it's closure of sorts.

I could say logistics (do I really want to move next year), could say we still have so much to do to the house before we rent it out (windows, carpets, hardwood floors, bathroom updates), I could say it's because the kids are settled or I could say financial reasons.  All of these reasons are valid, however, closure is the biggie.

When Peter came home last year, it left a gaping hole in our year.  I know one must think, "But he was home with you, what could be better than that?"  Well, not having to go through what I did, for starters.  I know myself well enough to say that I do not look upon this as any sort of learning experience (other than learning to be extremely wary of most doctors who practice western medicine).  It was not the best thing that ever happened to me in any way, shape or form and if I could have my old body back, I'd take it in a heartbeat.  

I've also realized after a tough summer that I need my old normal back.  I am not a 'new normal' kind of person.  I finally started to turn that corner in early August when the kids were away for a week.  Call me a selfish, horrible person, but I needed that time.  I was so convinced that I was spending my days screwing up my kids because I was angry and unhappy that I needed a week away to realize that not only were they just fine, but maybe I was, too. 

Part of my anger, believe it or not, stemmed from the unfinished year last year.  We had SO many goals, so many plans and I couldn't figure out for the life of me why everything had to be aborted.  Why me and why now, when we were already sacrificing so much?  Now body parts need to go, too?

The wracking guilt just never truly left and would wash over me when I least expected it.  As we discussed possibilities for future bids (and how Peter would likely need to do another UT at some point), Pete mentioned the idea of another AIP tour.  This sent me into a tailspin.  Not only did we give up the first year so he could go to Iraq, but the second for my "health."  Now, he was suggesting a third!  In fact, his exact words were, "Maybe it would be a redemption of sorts."

That sent me over the edge.  Redemption?  As thought I HAD done something wrong?  Why should I go through another year, when according to every doctor I had seen, NONE of this was my fault?  We had a tumultous week of discussions, brought in third parties to hash it out and finally Pete backpedaled on the redemption idea, we looked at it from a financial standpoint only, and it started to seem like a reasonable idea.

We looked at our finances, the house, talked with the kids and I made up my mind:  it wasn't what I wanted, but it was the best choice for our family.  I realized that since we are still paying medical bills, need to keep Nicholas in Montessori and moving in and of itself (even with a government move) can be expensive, maybe this was the best option.   Peter would go overseas by himself, we would shoot for those fabulous vacations, do a few house updates, bulk up our savings and we'd get through it.  

It then hit me last week that I am also okay with the year, because it will be redemption and I do need it.  One friend reminded me that the year would go quickly, and I remarked that I hoped it would be a full year.  I've never truly gotten over making Peter come (and stay) home when he had promised that he would do a tour overseas.  I've never gotten over the missed vacations or time wasted online or in doctors' offices.  Now, I have that chance.

So, as crazy as it sounds, that is our why.  I'm finally nearly back to my old normal and I need to stay there.  If the only way is to sacrifice a year together so we can finish what we started in July 2010, so be it.   And don't think for a minute we aren't already dreaming about a fabulous (read: anywhere overseas) post in 2013!