Blindsided

I receieved a phone call yesterday that has already begun to alter the course of my month, if not my year.  Up until two days ago, I never imagined such a conversation would take place.  In fact, it is safe to say that I am still stunned by the turn of events.

Four weeks ago, I felt a lump in my breast.  I wouldn't have thought much more about it, and would have assumed it was nothing more than a cyst, but for the pain.  It wasn't much at first, and generally only when I touched the side and could actually feel the lump.  I realized I should probably get it checked out, but was in the throes of reunion travel and excitement.  I also thought it might (let me have my fantasy) resolve itself and I needn't worry myself.

I can't say that my first thought was not cancer, but I promptly researched "lump and breast pain" with Dr. Google and found (according to most sites) that pain was not always associated with cancerous lumps.  I am sure if I was not a worrier, this would have been sufficient for me.  However, I knew what I really needed to do and it was just a matter of finding an Ob/Gyn that was not completely booked for the next year.

I found one rather quickly, but then life got in the way and I kept forgetting to call for an appointment.  Finally, after 3 weeks I realized I was delaying in the hopes that everything would magically clear up on its own.  It hadn't and I knew it was time to face the music, no matter what was in store.  I made the appointment, went in, the nurse practitioner reviewed my fabulous medical history and all went swimmingly.

She knew why I was there, but was not concerned.  I was "young and healthy" according to her, had no known risk factors and certainly this was just a fluke.  I was feeling quite positive until the exam.  The minute she finished her demeanor changed ever so slightly.  She suddenly seemed to have less pep and offered that she could not make a diagnosis, and recommended that I have a mammogram and ultrasound to rule things out.

Great!  I would go, "rule things out" and that would be that.  It would be a cyst, some type of infection, I would get antibiotics and head home.  I  filled out the online form that night, a scheduler called me the next day and set me up with a 12:45 p.m. appointment.  I called Nicholas's Montessori and asked for extended care and figured I would easily have him home by 3 p.m.  I wrongly assumed that only a long wait due to many appointments would keep me there.  

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that by 2 p.m., after having one ultrasound and two mammograms, I would be curled up on an exam table, freezing despite the warm room, shaking like a leaf and being prepped for a biopsy that, in the doctor's words, "couldn't wait."  I had not even had a chance to call Peter, only the time to send him a quick note indicating that the tests were taking longer than originally thought.  In fact, I had been so nonplussed about the appointment,  that I hadn't even mentioned it until a quick phone call prior to leaving the house.

By 3 p.m., I was in the car, films in hand and bawling on the phone with Peter like no one's business. It wasn't even the testing, but the sudden urgency after the two mammograms and the ultrasound both revealed "suspicious calcifications."  I had watched an 80 year old woman bounce out of the testing area and declare, "Oh, that was easy, it didn't hurt a bit" and had just assumed at my age, I would have the same experience.

Instead, I left with an ice pack tucked away in my bra, and headed to the nearest CVS to load up on extra-strength Tylenol to dull the pain from the biopsy.  I was stunned by the turn of events, but Peter and the 3 other (extremely supportive) people I told were sure it was nothing and spent 48 hours sending me good vibes and hope.

I can't say I wasn't nervous, but tried not to focus on the negative.  I kept reminding myself that no one mentioned severity or anything of the nature during the testing, they simply said it needed to be done.  For all I knew, anyone with anything remotely suspicious went through the exact same process and ended up with a phone call that indicated all was well.  

I gave the doctor's office 48 plus hours and finally threw in the towel.  Between the never-ending bidding process (no, we still don't have a post) and this situation, I was started to unravel a bit.  I just wanted the news, no matter what, so we could move forward if something was wrong.  I called my doctor's office, but no one picked up, so I left a voicemail.  I then gave the actual diagnostic center a call, but all of the doctors had left for the day.   

Not five minutes later, my phone rang with an unknown number on the screen.  I figured it was likely a wrong number, but picked up anyway.  It was the OB/Gyn returning my call and letting me know that the test results were in.  The doctor did not waste time and while she was very thoughtful, she did not mince words and the next thing I knew I had a diagnosis of breast cancer* (DCIS), a list of doctors to call and a plan of action to start.

Thus far, I am not sure what to think.  I know that it has been caught very early, and that is extremely good news. I know many people have gone through much worse and I should be grateful it is what it is.  I know that there are so many treatment options and that in all likelihood this will be but a blip on my medical history radar.  

Yet…I'm still in shock.  Not only did my body betray me, but at an inconvenient time at best (I know, I know, there is never a good time).  I don't know what to think and at least for the next few days, there is not much I can do.  I have done my share of Googling this type of non-invasive cancer and think, for the moment, I am going to take a break.  On that note, though, if anyone has any experience with this type of breast cancer, please feel free to share on or off-line.  I'm just going to give Google a rest for a couple of days.

Instead I'm going to think that perhaps leaving the choir was a better call than I ever imagined, and enjoy the fall weather.  The kids don't know anything yet, so in certain respects, I can try and live in blissful ignorance.   We will hit a pumpkin patch or two, enjoy the long weekend and try to hold onto our little piece of normal for just a few more days…

*This was the preliminary diagnosis over the phone. I expect to have a more detailed pathology report on Monday to review.   

{this moment}

{this moment} – A Friday ritual. A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments* for all to find and see. 

Wishing you all a lovely weekend!

Idea courtesy of Soulemama 

*Yes, I copied and pasted the text from Soulemama…but if you  had a special moment this week, please leave a link!

And with that

Cait is out of the choir.  We are still tethered to the voice lessons due to the contract, but we can live with that schedule.  Interestingly enough, she is only taking voice lessons as it is a requirement of the choir…but no "trial period" with the voice lessons.  

Even more interesting is the response I received to the email I sent to the director today.  It turns out that Caitlin would not actually be required to perform until the holiday concert.  I don't ever remember that being stated, however, that would still require rehearsals 3 out of 4 school nights the final week of school before Christmas (and one rehearsal lasts 4 hours).   While Cait was initially disappointmented that there was no practice tonight, she then realized that meant we could have a calm(er) sit-down dinner and she had more time to just relax.

Kelsey was also able to benefit by having an extended playdate (and dinner with a friend!) and Nicholas was not shoved into the car twice yesterday for two 30 minute round-trips guaranteed to make him tired and cranky, but not sleepy.  I managed to have 'quality time' with all three of the kids and am far ahead of my normal 10 p.m. self.  Another bonus?  Cait started talking about Drama Club (set design/auditions)?!  This would be an after-school activity and while there may be additional time requirements, no doubt not what we were facing with the choir.

The best part:  guess who had nary a meltdown today?  Who knows, maybe it's entirely unrelated…but I'll give myself (a small) pat on the back for realizing that sometimes, we simply can't do it all.  I must admit, I hadn't completely thought out the whole "how does one child's activity affect the other kids when there is only one of me?" prior to the choir debacle.  I think I can definitely say lesson learned on this particular topic.

And now that we are a bit less stressed, the temperatures have dropped and the crisp leaves have begun to fall, it's time to enjoy the season.  Pumpkin patches, apple-picking in the Shenandoah and Halloween creeping up oh so quickly…glad we will have a little more time to enjoy what this area has to offer.  After all, who knows where we will be next year? 

Decisions, Decisions

When we first moved here, I had the perfect plan to make the adjustment of the relocation easier:  mimic our California life as much as possible.  Theoretically, it seemed perfect as the kids would be in the same or similar activities, would meet like-minded friends and we would have just have a peachy-keen year.

One problem:  it's nearly impossible to replicate something that took two years to figure out…especially in a completely different location, environment and set of circumstances.  Unfortunately, I didn't figure this out until a few days ago, when I thought about the issues Nicholas has been having, pondered the comments on my previous post and really looked at our current situation.  I realized, sadly, that my fabulous idea may be at the root of his discontent and am desperately trying to find a way to repair the damage.  

As has been stated before, Cait has a deep and abiding interest in song.  I have always wanted to help her nurture that talent, but have not a clue as to how to do that on my own.  Thus, I have encouraged her to join and audition for choirs, and to use those as stepping stones in her musical career.  I was not thrilled that she had to leave the church choir and the Danville Girls Chorus when we moved, but assumed we would quickly find replacements.

I Googled children's choirs and one in particular kept popping up. A friend had recommended it years ago and from the description, it seemed amazingly similar to the DGC.  I contacted the director, set up an audition, and it seemed to be an easy in for Cait.  We left deciding to "think about it", as she was unsure about the commitment, and a month later we talked about it for the 20th time or so and decided it seemed like a good move.

Then Cait wavered.  I even wrote to the director, indicating she was in a bit of flux.  The director reminded me there was a trial period (a great idea, in hindsight) and had a feeling Cait would love it once she started.  And?

She has enjoyed the singing, and seemed to make friends quickly.  However, the commitment seems to have grown overnight.  I remember thinking the DGC had a schedule that could not be taken lightly…this is easily two or three times the rehearsals and performances.   Weekely practices are held every Tuesday, there is a 4 hour  practice the first Saturday of each month, there are 3 concerts in addition to special events and performances.  Concerts require 2-3 days of special rehearsals and there is more fund-raising than I have seen in public schools.  Then there is the cost…

I added everything up (again) the other night and realized the entire year (if I opt out of volunteering) could run close to $3000.  Granted, this is if I choose not to volunteer.  Should I choose to not pay the buy-out, I am committed to 40 hours (and I would guess that is a minimum) of volunteer work for the choir.  This is easily 10 times, if not more, the amount of work required by the DGC.  Now I shouldn't compare apples and oranges, but the more we became involved, the more overwhelmed we became.

Did I mention the voice lessons?  In order to participate in her choir, Cait must take voice lessons every other week.  Theoretically, this is fine with me, and something I think she should be doing anyway.  However, the voice lessons also require additional group lessons (1 per month) AND the group will have their own recital at some point…though where they find the time is beyond me.

I should add that I do think that the goals of the choir are admirable.  It seems as though they have done some incredible work and have amazing talent in the different groups….I just don't know that it's going to include the talent from our family.

I realized that part of Nicholas's unsettling antics may be due to an upset in the schedule.  The DGC held their rehearsals early in the late afternoon…Cait's current choir holds them from 6-8:15 on Tuesdays (every Tuesday), add in CCD on Sunday nights, voice lessons every other Monday, homework, any other activities she might want to do, oh, and sleep and you have a nutty, at best, week.  In fact, last week, when she had activities three nights running, it wasn't until Wednesday afternoon that any of us had a remotely regular schedule.  I knew it was a bit hectic, but it wasn't until Saturday morning that it hit home.

After a full week of school, Cait was scheduled to have a 4 hour rehearsal beginning at 8:15 a.m. on Saturday.  Normally, I suppose this wouldn't be so hard…except that she was utterly exhausted from the week (we all were) and was already dragging.   Kelsey, Nicholas and I spent much of our evening hanging out with the neighbors (and Kelsey even snagged her first sleepover) and we ended up getting to bed later than we hoped.  No chance any of us would want to get up at the crack of dawn, especially as we had been doing it all week long…and with the exception of Kelsey, we would all have to since no one else could drive Cait.

Then Saturday morning arrived.  Nicholas was sleeping soundly, I was not rested enough to be out of bed, much less driving, and Cait was a zombie.  She could barely sit up, much less get up and get going and I knew at that point, there would be no rehearsal…at least not for us.  She said she just didn't feel well enough to go, and that was enough for me.  I realized I didn't have a cell phone number, so left messages on the numbers I had and sent emails to the relevant addresses and hoped for the best.

We ended up getting a bit more shut-eye and then having a quiet day enjoying Nicholas's school picnic and just playing outside.  Kelsey and her new friends spent hours outside running around and playing, and I didn't stress about having nothing planned for the evening.  We had a busier day today due to church and CCD, but Nicholas and I still carved out fun time in the afternoon and Kelsey and I enjoyed a quiet dinner together while Cait was in Sunday school.  

The upshot?  I realized that while the choir schedule didn't seem that daunting in the beginning, it is designed for those who can give more than 100% and we simply can't do that this year.   Activities and concerts pop up and meetings can be scheduled with 48 hours notice.   If Peter were here, likely not an issue….but I have two other children who have needs that must be met…and more than at just a basic level.

In the end, I think Tuesday's rehearsal will be her last (it's the final day of her trial period).  I do feel bad, as she had begun to make friends, but I can't have her schoolwork or health suffering.  If she were not in the Advanced Chorus at school, we would rethink it…or perhaps try to find a choir with fewer commitments.  However, for now, I think we are going to use our out clause and enjoy more quality, family time together.   I don't know whether it was the extra down time on Saturday or simply my coming to terms with the decision, but Nicholas has been much calmer the past few days.  I wouldn't say things are perfect, but definitely much improved and I would like to keep it that way.

{this moment}

{this moment} – A Friday ritual. A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see. 

Idea courtesy of Soulemama