One step forward…
September 30, 2010 8 Comments
Four weeks ago, I bought a baker's rack for the kitchen. I had wanted one since we moved here and had a spot in the kitchen perfect for one. The proposed space even has an electrical outlet, which would be perfect since I planned on keeping the breadmaker on the rack (and, perhaps, actually using it at some point).
I had originally thought about trying to find one on Craig's List, but everything on there was pricey or not what I needed. Then I found a very sleek and perfect-for-the-spot baker's rack at The Container Store. It was on sale, it was dissassembled and would meet our needs perfectly. I bought it, loaded up the car, brought it inside, put the wooden shelf under the couch and stored the rest of the shelving by the bench in the front hallway. I figured it would just be a few nights before I had the time to tackle the project.
I had forgotten, however, that while it is not difficult to put together, it is noisy and could wake a wee one from a sound sleep…and we really, really, really don't want that right now. So, there went naptime and nighttime, and my mornings (while he was at school) were filled with volunteering and trying to get in a bit of exercise (and the occasional nap). Oh, and I also lacked the motivation to pick everything up and drag it upstairs, find the rubber mallet, find the directions and assemble it.
Finally, as I was sweeping that empty corner in the kitchen, I realized the time was now. Nicholas was awake (but playing happily), it was a rainy afternoon, and I really, really, really wanted to get going with the breadmaker (and tired of shelves in my foyer). I got out the mallet and Nicholas and I proceeded to "build the house" as he later told Kelsey.
So, now we have a "house" (baker's rack) in the kitchen and the foyer actually resembles a proper entrance to our house rather than a storage unit. However, for every step forward, such as a tiny bit of organization, we seem to have two steps back…and I am at my wits' end trying to resolve this particular issue.
Nicholas seemed to be having the easiest "terrible twos" possible…until about two months ago. In fact, even today, by all appearances (to teachers, school mates and friends) he is happy, basically mild-mannered and just enjoying life. Sure, there might be the occasional pushing issue, but nothing that has been considered anything out of the ordinary…except at home.
In an instant, he turns from a happy, sweet, loving child to a raging and upset child..pulling my hair, throwing my glasses, hitting, punching, pinching…and then back to normal as though I flipped a switch. There is no pattern as to when this happens, he isn't necessarily upset about anything, doesn't always happen at the beginning or the end of an activity…but it happens. It has gotten to the point where I loathe taking him anywhere unless I have one of the girls with me. I try to run as many errands as possible and even had Cait babysit him tonight so I could buy Kelsey shoes she has needed for weeks.
I have tried everything and nothing works. Well, one thing works…separating the two of us so I can recover from my hair being pulled or having things thrown at me. It is the only thing that has helped thus far, but obviously we have a hard time doing it anywhere but at home. It is the only time he gets that I am actually in pain/not enjoying this not-so-fun game of his.
Now, for all I know, this is perfectly normal. However, having only had girls up until now I don't know if this is a "boy" thing, a "I'm mad because Daddy went away" thing (personally, I'm going with this option) or a combination of the two. The other confusing part is that he never seems upset (even when I am visibly upset) and just seems to enjoy it….and then within an instant, he is a happy, loving boy again.
My big worry? Peter comes home in fewer than 4 weeks. While we are thrilled, of course, what will happen? And, even worse, what will happen when he leaves…and then repeats the scenario two more times?
I am toying with several ideas, but not sure what to pursue. I am hoping, perhaps, that someone out there may have a few words of wisdom…as I am just really tapped out on this one. He's such an awesome Little Guy, but clearly upset right now and I just want to figure out how to help him.
I’m not experienced in Daddy going away for so long, nor are typically developing kids my forte, but tantrums and meltdowns? Oh yes, LOTS of experience there! Look really carefully about what is going on right before the tantrum/meltdown. For us there is frequently a control element, or sometimes a sensory issue. Then (this is the bog one for me) look at your response to the tantrum. I frequently would “reward” her by giving her more attention, removing her from the situation, whatever it was she wanted. I didn’t realize I was even doing this. I try to give much more attention when she is being well-behaved, and ignore the misbehavior (which is way easier said than done, I know!). Tantrums and meltdowns are a form of communication, you just have to figure out what he is saying, and what your response is to it, and if that is something perpetuating it. Really difficult when you are by yourself and just want an easy life though. Hope that helps!
Oh, Jen. 🙁
In as much as I whine that I don’t have daughters, I know that if I’d had daughters and THEN my oldest son, that the world would have felt like it was ending (to me). My oldest son was the most intense, in-your-face little boy I had ever met or could ever dream of. My younger son – NEVER. Sweet and kind (although now, at near to 12, he’s discovered sarcasm, and he’s very verbal, so…).
This is my take:
1.) There’s going to be a steep uphill learning curve for you, coming out of having two sweet girls to having a very intense boy.
2.) It sounds like he’s an intense, boy’s-boy who is high contact and rough and tumble. Yes, this is normal… but exhausting. Not all boys (by any stretch of the imagination) are this way (as I said, my oldest is and my youngest isn’t). I totally understand your exhaustion and, yes, it’s boys like these who need to have their Daddies around. Because Daddies are much better with this than Moms are. Daddies have more physical and emotional stamina to deal with it. Also, Daddies are usually a lot better at telegraphing how wrong it is to hit/bite/etc. a parent. Peter will be able to intervene when he is home, which will give you some breathing space. Daddies, usually, do NOT put up with a half of what Moms tolerate, I have found.
3.) With boys like these, your game is one of survival. Because you are already so exhausted, etc., you will have to outlast him, first and foremost. Treasure his good moments/days, and outlast his bad moments/days.
4.) Furthermore, I am a HUGE proponent of negative consequences. One cannot reason with a two year old who is hitting, etc., and the hitting of a parent is NOT to be tolerated. Our family firmly believed in spanking; yours may not. (Actually, I’m assuming yours does not, but let me just say that it was the only weapon in my arsenal that showed results with my oldest son, and I don’t believe my youngest son ever required spanking. Which just goes to show how very different boys can be, one from another! But I don’t want to turn your comments section into a debate about spanking, I honestly don’t.) In that event, I would advocate that you choose some form of IMMEDIATE negative consequence with which you are comfortable… but make quite sure that it’s SUPER unpleasant for him. Stick to it, and outlast him. This certain unpleasant stage will come and go after a while, and he’ll then throw something else at you!
5.) Just knowing what I know, and being through what I’ve been through, I wouldn’t say he’s upset- I would say he’s growing and changing. I would say that he’s going through new stages and that he’s a highly intense sort of guy (and that, darnit, Peter happens to be away right now). I have one of those, in spades, and sometimes new stages would begin and there would be no outward trigger for them (such as Daddy leaving for an extended period of time). It was all… natural growing and changing.
6.) I outlasted my son. He’s now loving and kind; patient, yet very masculine. We have now arrived at my goal for him (which I honestly thought was unattainable when he was younger). But it’s been years and years and YEARS of patience and hard work. You continue to love them, you show them that the way they’re behaving is wrong, you grit your teeth and you make it through each day at a time.
And that, my dear friend, is the only advice that I have. But it’s based on nearly DECADES of raising my two boys. And, for anyone reading this who doesn’t know me, they are almost 17 and 12.
Oh, and one more thing. I don’t remember the name of the book to save my soul, but I read a book a loooooong time ago about these sorts of intense little boys. The book literally said that these sorts of boys grow up to change the world, once you help channel their behavior (over the course of their entire childhood) into something positive. But it’s these boys that end up being very driven, very intelligent, seeking high personal accomplishments and such. I have found this to be INCREDIBLY true with my oldest son. So, outlast him, Mom! And you’ll have a highly motivated, intellectual powerhouse on your hands.
There are better days ahead! I promise.
No expertise to back it up, but I wonder if more exercise/rough-and-tumble play would help. I know you guys are FAR from sedentary, and that the girls do wrestle with him some. But probably not as much as he would choose. Easier said than done, I know, to find a like-minded playmate with a like-minded mom (and break up the melee when it gets too rough.)
Kolbi did a great job nailing this topic on the head. I have 2 little boys like this as well and although we are not as far along in the journey as Kolbi I have seen progress made. The worst year was the year Chris was away. As Kolbi said I just had to outlast him and make it through the transitions of Chris coming and going. I found a few things as well that also helped. One was being SUPER consistent ALL THE TIME! Whatever punishment was chosen was giving consistently. I also had to take the emotion out of the situation – my emotion which is the hardest part – at least for me. I made sure to spend quality time with just him whether it was reading or tickling or snuggling or watching a movie or something enjoyable for both of you. I found that I had to get up and “play” with my boys – which is so much different than girls. We kicked the soccer ball around or chased after butterflies or caught frogs or something super active that boys enjoy doing. The other thing I found successful was to help him feel empowered of his own being – something that is hard when they are little. I have learned how to offer choices – 2 choices that I can live with either outcome. Things like “would you like to put your shoes on or would you like me to help you”. Good luck and hang in there!
We’re just approaching the terrible twos, and though we’re not there yet, I would anticipate that they will be far different than raising my girls.
My cousin has continually recommended a book to read specifically for parents of boys… I’ll be getting myself one soon, but wanted to recommend it to you too. It’s called Boys Adrift. I’ve seen it referenced many times on the internet – most recently in a CNN article that discussed the differences between girls and boys – and thought it may definitely be worth the read.
Best of luck to you during this time … with all on your plate already, I’m sure it can’t be easy.
@Thanks to all of you! May respond off-line, too…@Kolbi, I have heard of one book, can’t remember the name, but have it written down somewhere and will get it sooner rather than later! @Jill, will look into that one, too, thank you!
@Melissa, we are trying to have more of that time…these first few weeks of school have been just too busy, and we are finally getting extra down time in the afternoons…and hope that helps!
@Spectrummy…I’ve been trying, but there it has been hard to find the trigger…I have found that one is leaving school, as he loves it…fine one minute, two minutes down the road and it’s meltdown time. However, it’s harder to distinguish at other times…no rhyme or reason, but will try even harder to figure it out…
Hi Jen- I love following your blog- and we’re new to the FS world.
Anyway, what you describe sounds like my friends who have discovered its an allergy issue with their kids- especially that on/off thing you describe.
If that doesn’t seem like a fit to you, and you think it’s emotional, maybe you could try doing some “play therapy” with him, as detailed in the book, “Playful Parenting.” I think his philosophy about kids would fit well with yours and maybe give you some ideas about how to help your ds through his big feelings (which, of course, are totally understandable). When my daughter was young she just had so much anger sometimes; I would hold her on the floor in the hallway, bracing my back against the wall and just be a safe place for her to get out all that rage. I wouldn’t let her hurt me, but I’d hold her close to me and let her cry, yell, scream, kick the floor, etc. She’d eventually get to where I could say, “I bet that upset you when … ” and she would get to the heart of the matter, and do deep sobs, which seemed to finally relieve her of whatever hurt she had. Then we’d cuddle and she’d be fine. Well, maybe some of that will help, or maybe you’ll think there’s some crazy mama out there… 🙂 But I’m sure you’ll figure it out!
@Sarah…thanks! Honestly, I don’t have the gut feeling it’s an allergy, but one never knows and I will keep that in the back of my mind. I think I may have found part of the issue…and, yes, it will be blogged about…sadly one of those simple things I completely overlooked! Things aren’t 100% better, but definitely much improved today…